How do you mend a broken wang?

Pfizer's erectile dysfunction hotline hits below the belt
by Chris Barry

It seems that every time I turn on the TV these days I'm hit with what appears to be a public-service announcement about the heartbreak of what has come to be known as erectile dysfunction--or E.D., as the cool people in the pharmaceutical biz like to call it.

Now honestly, to date this has never been a big issue for me personally, although the combo of too much alcohol and a partner with a rancid-smelling sweet spot has admittedly, on occasion, had the effect of dampening the enthusiasm of my best part. Still, it's nice to know that there are organizations out there that care deeply about my boner, and are prepared to take on the expense of a massive promotional campaign to let me know that if anything ever goes wrong with it, they will be there to help me get hard again. Thanks.

But who exactly are these wonderfully benevolent people with such concern for the state of my erection? And, God forbid, should I ever go limp for an extended period of time, how would they help me? Would they care enough to send a teenage prostitute to my door? Would they keep the police at bay while I attempted to get hard and masturbate in the locker room of the Mackay Centre? I mean, as the Bee Gees used to sing, just how do you mend a broken wang? And why do these people care if mine is broke or not anyway?

Pharmaceutical concern?
Watching this commercial for the two-millionth time last week, it crossed my mind that perhaps these concerned folk may actually be a pharmaceutical company, like, say, Pfizer, the fabulously wealthy transnational corporation who happen to hold the patent for Viagra. But funnily enough, their name isn't mentioned anywhere in the spot. Is it possible, I wondered, that the sponsors of this ad are people who just really care about the health of our nation's erections?

I hadn't even realized that erectile dysfunction was such a serious health issue until this campaign got into full swing last month. The ad states that one in three men will suffer from E.D. at some point in their lives and, worse, most of these dudes will suffer in silence. A disturbing subject matter, the message warns, which may have the effect of disquieting some viewers. And when push comes to shove I suppose you can count me among the disquieted, because if it's really true I have a one-in-three chance of someday becoming sexually impotent, then consider me perturbed.

In fact, since first being exposed to this ad I've found myself increasingly compelled to learn more about penises, so that when the curse of erectile dysfunction inevitably comes knocking at my door, I will know what to do and be ready to meet the challenge. So last week when this ad flashed on my screen, I took down the E.D. emergency help number and called them up.

1-800 bang-a-gong
Over at the E.D. emergency line they've got an ensemble of "health professionals" standing by to give you the 411 on all things erection-related. When you call, the first thing you hear is a recorded message that is supposed to make you feel better about not being able to get it up anymore by repeating ad infinitum that in the majority of instances, impotency is caused by a curable medical condition. Apparently there are close to three million other shmucks in Canada who are just as lame as you in this area. If at any time in the phone call you want to speak to a real-live "nurse" about your sexual inadequacy, all you have to do is hit "1" and someone will come on and patiently listen to your sad story in an effort to try to talk you in to seeing your doctor about it.

When my personal health professional came on the line I panicked and, in light of my relatively healthy condition, didn't quite know what to tell him anymore. Not wanting him to feel like I was wasting his time, I decided I had better ad-lib a little.

"Hi," I mumbled. "Umm... Sometimes I have trouble achieving and maintaining an erection and I'm not sure what I should do about it." I figured that was about as a good a place as any to start.

"Well sir," replied my professional, not missing a beat, "erectile dysfunction is a very common malady that effects millions of Canadian men. A lot of people are still uncomfortable talking about E.D. but it is almost always curable. There are several products on the market that can be prescribed to you should you be prepared to sit down and talk with your doctor about it." He then proceeded to go on about how normal it is to be limp all the time and how they could send me a brochure about the various treatments and physical causes of E.D. "What is your mailing address, sir?"

Bolder with Pfizer
At which point the whole E.D. campaign was suddenly made clear to me. This "health professional" sounded like nothing more than a telemarketer. I could tell he was reading from a script. He didn't really care about my penis. He was part of an elaborate plot to sell me something. "But what?" the idiot in me wondered. I had a couple of ideas. I decided to mess with him a bit.

"I'm too ashamed to see my doctor about this problem," I told him. "I'm afraid she's going to laugh at me the same way my wife does when I try to initiate sex with her."

I figured this last revelation would give him something to think about, but he barely flinched. He just kept reading more crap from his script about how erectile dysfunction is nothing to be ashamed of and blah, blah, blah. I decided to try a little harder.

"So uh... What could my doctor prescribe that might help me with my condition?" I asked, pretty sure of who he was working for and what his answer would be. "I have a friend who used to take something called Muse, which he said gave him awe-inspiring erections, but I remember him claiming there was a lot of unpleasantness involved as well."

"That could be true," my telemarketer nurse told me. "For a long time, the treatments had to be injected directly into the penis with a hypodermic needle, which a lot of people were uncomfortable about. But now it is also available as a penile suppository. You insert it with an applicator into the tip of your penis."

"That doesn't sound very nice either," I said, trying to stifle a giggle. "I remember him saying that after a while his penis was all scarred up from using it and that he would sometimes get involuntary erections from out of nowhere that refused to go down no matter what he did. He works in a daycare centre, you know, and I think it caused him some problems with his employer. And I've also heard the penis pump is problematic. What else is available?" I had knowingly opened the door for the inevitable Viagra sales pitch.

And it was quickly delivered, albeit somewhat subtly. "These days most doctors are prescribing oral medications to combat erectile dysfunction," the telemarketer rambled on predictably. "It has helped millions of men deal with the anguish of... Blah, blah, blah."

Public service
So there you go. My initial impulse was correct--it really is just the Pfizer corporation trying to encourage people to bug their doctors into prescribing them Viagra at approximately 18 bucks a pop.

I decided to continue our dialogue nevertheless and tried fucking with him a little more by informing him that: a) I can sometimes still get erections when my wife lets me put a bag over her head; b) my present bout of impotence began around the same time I upped my dose of Zoloft (another fine Pfizer product) to 150 mg a day; and c) I can still sometimes feel something like an erection coming on when I'm showering with other men. But it was a hollow thrill. Nothing really fazed him, and I think he simply began to regard me as an idiot, as a possible prankster, although he remained disturbingly polite and professional throughout our entire conversation.

Calling Pfizer directly after my adventure with their E.D. line, I was officially informed that this campaign is their attempt to bring male sexual impotency out into the open, and to let people know that erectile dysfunction is no joking matter. It's a public service really, and has little to do with the fact that pretty well anybody who walks into their doctor's office complaining of a limp penis is going to end up walking away with a prescription for their product. Unless, of course, people suddenly decide they are more comfortable sticking needles in to their penises than taking a handy little pill. Which is unlikely, even though it makes for better jokes. God bless the pharmaceutical industry.