Federal not-so-express >> Mail delivery has its hazards, but going postal isn’t one of them

by CHRIS BARRY Name: Albert Mosca Age: “As old as the universe.” Occupation: Mailman Salary: Approximately $20 an hour Bio: This uniquely talented sculptor, poet, performance artist and devoted agent provocateur got into the postal biz 14 years ago believing, “it was a Mickey Mouse job that I could do. But was I ever wrong, delivering mail is fucking gruelling!” A college dropout, Albert is probably the most cultured postal worker this side of Cliff Clavin, even if he does choose to live in Ville Emard and doesn’t like television. Something that will get you into trouble at Canada Post: Losing mail. “Oh yeah, you can’t fuck with the mail. There are disciplinary measures in place for that.” Does he know of any Canada Post employee ever getting fired? No. Is he ever tempted to seek revenge on rude customers by wiping his dirty ass with their postcards and giggling about it afterwards? “Hey, seriously, you can’t fuck with the mail, man.” Do dogs truly hate mailmen as much as legend would have us all believe? “Oh yes. It ain’t no joke, man. I had it out with a Rottweiler just today and all I really have to defend myself with are a handful of letters. Well, I do have mace, actually, but I don’t want to use that.” One lame joke he hears almost every day: People telling him that it’s okay, he can just keep their bills. “You can just imagine how redundant that line gets after awhile.” Best part of the job: All the time he gets to think profound thoughts while walking around on his route. Worst: The petty harassment he receives from his co-workers. Something that he does to better get along with his co-workers: Pretend that he’s an idiot, “so people think I’m stupid and not a threat.” One question he was asked during his initial job interview: What he would do if another employee was harassing him and preventing him from doing a good job. Did he answer by saying he would come in the following day with a semi-automatic rifle and blow the motherfucker’s head into 1,000 tiny little pieces along with all the other insolent cocksuckers who work in his bullshit department? Not exactly. Does he feel the reputation postal workers have of “going postal” is at all warranted? No. “I used to work on the production line at the Chrysler plant in Windsor, and let me tell you, the guys there had a lot more pent-up rage in them than anybody I’ve ever met at Canada Post.” Where you might find him hanging out: Sapphir, Jupiter Room, Parking on Thursday nights. Last book read: Getting Married, by George Bernard Shaw. A few of his literary faves: Thomas Mann, W. Somerset Maugham, John Galsworthy. Musical faves: Brahms, Stravinsky. A recent film he liked: Mulholland Drive. Words of wisdom: “I do not like to have my philosophy reduced to a platitude for your newspaper to print, but… it’s the pain in the ass that keeps us kicking.” :